You are viewing [info]feedtoasters's journal

   
09:59pm 26/12/2005
  New = isab0t  
     
1 | comments
 
   
11:03pm 21/12/2005
  It feels so weird, you know? I hate having nothing to look forward to. I always have something to look forward to. Art History and creeping on that boy, or English class with Greg and the Bargenator, or work with Sheldon and Steve and Brianna, or fun around town, or adventures, or buying presents for people, or something, you know? I don't even work tomorrow. I don't know what to do. I am supposed to go to Vincent's school to help him clean out his locker, which smells like vinegar now, apparently, and which may house his iPod. Speaking of iPod, I think I want one of the new video ones. I know, I know, I have a photo one. But I just like new things. I want a black one. I want to put a scary T-Rex on the back. I want to have a pet pup. I want a kitten. I want something, someone to love. I want to be awesome. I think it's lame to want things like the things I want, but I don't know what else to do with my money, with my time. I buy things off the internet because I like having something to look forward to. I give my address to anybody that wants it. So I can have something to look forward to.  
     
1 | comments
 
   
09:49pm 19/12/2005
  Fuck. I am fucking screwed. Art History. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. The essays will kill me. I just wish we knew which two she was picking. It would make this studying so much fucking easier. I hope she picks Parthenon/Pantheon, or San Vitale/Charlemagne and Achilles/Augustus or Virgin and Child/Gero crucifix.

FUCK. I CAN'T JUST LISTEN TO ART HISTORY MUSIC TO STUDY. [But it would be pretty sweet if that shit existed.]		  
     
comments
 
   
10:30pm 18/12/2005
  When I make a new friend, I talk a lot to make up for lost time.  
     
comments
 
   
02:00am 15/12/2005
 
mood: all of the above
My dad has the good deck. I'm making tapes at his house, even though I'm really excited already to make them. I'll have to tell Steve/Brianna that I'll give them theirs when I get back. I guess I need type 2, because they sound better. I didn't know that, so I'll have to search a bit. The Sony ones I got are type 1.

I want to buy some headphones and not break them. I have almost 1000$ saved up and I didn't even realise. I want to run. I want smaller boobs. I want to not be so much gross. I want to hang out with the people I miss and I want things to be the way they were, but updated to present. I want to be able to stomach alcohol. Hard liquor. I want to be 5 again, before my brother was born, before my sister was born, when my parents were together and happy [at least to my 5 year old eyes.] and I want to wake up before my dad again and hide under the little table beside the counter - the one that has the tablecloth that is too big for it so it touches the ground - and I want him to pretend to not know where I am. I don't think I'll be able to finish this drink. Not while I am wanting so much to be young again. Why did this entry turn into a stupid self-pitying one? I don't want to be this way. I won't be this way. I'm going to get some books ready for tomorrow so I can study. At school. Because I can't study at home. And because I want to hang out with Steve.

New friends make me smile. Brianna invited me to a shindig at her place [I guess her place. Who really knows?] on the 22nd. That's also the night Greg is having Christmas with my family, maybe. Or maybe it's the 21st. Either way is good for me! I could invite him, maybe. I'll ask Brianna.

I like that Naomi gives everyone nicknames. Or maybe just us three. Bri, Shello, Isa. I like when she calls me Isa. It's not like when people from here say it. Izuhbell. Buh! Issa. I feel so Spanish when she says it. French would say Belle. North Americans would say Iz, Izzy. She says Iss, or Issa. I guess the names certain people give me affect how I am with them. My dad calls me Izzy. He is goofy. We are goofy together. But only he and a few others can call me Izzy without me feeling repulsed. I used to think that when people called me Isabelle, it was formal-sounding. I didn't like it. I like it now. Sheldon calls me Isabelle. Steve does, too. The people I work with, who don't know me very well, but I would consider them friends anyway. Iz is all right, but in measured doses. I like when Mangus calls me Dork. I like when people call me Belle. It's mostly my family that calls me Belle. And close friends that I consider family anyway.

I saw James today. It was weird. After last year, we weren't friends anymore. I didn't think it was possible to go from ACQUAINTANCE to FRIEND to GOOD FRIEND and back down to ACQUAINTANCE, but that's what it feels like. It has felt that way since we had that "fight". I really do regret it. I am petty and jealous sometimes, and I say stupid things. Seeing him, and then talking to Parf tonight made me think of Andrew, and how we were just getting to the GOOD FRIENDS stage last year/the year before [at least, I think so.] and then, well, I don't know what happened. I think he doesn't like me, which makes me resentful, or something.

I want to visit Melissa. I want her to like me. I think I am different in person and on the phone than I am online, and I don't know how we would work as friends. She called me for my birthday last year, and it was one of my favourite phone conversations of all time, just because it was HER and she CALLED ME. It made me smile all day. She thinks I'm good, and it makes me smile. A lot. I love her. She is like a family member I have never met, but have written letters to. Maybe people think I consider people family too easily. I think I just click with certain people, and if you can't choose your family, what the hell is the point?

I'm not almost done my drink. I will write until I finish it.

My grandfather came back from hospital yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before. I don't remember. I wasn't home, I was working. It's not like he has made any effort to talk to me since he has been home. Nor have I. I am past blaming him. I am past hating him. I'm past crying over the things he says and does. I am over it. I don't care. He is not part of my family.

I need socks. Mine all have holes in the heels and that means blisters. Fortunately, I have my warm socks that, well, keep my feet warm. But they also provide extra heel cushioning! I like underwear right now, but I should buy less panties and more socks! Well, I always like underwear, but I bought some festive ones from La Senza and they make me want more!

When my hair gets a bit longer, I am going to cut it. I like the current length, but I did cut it myself, and I'm pretty bad at that, so it needs to be fixed!

I like that sometimes I think French words instead of English. I don't know why this is. Maybe it's the French movies I've been watching in French. French French French. I like it. I speak a mangled Franglais at home. I think it would be neat to speak that way with my dad, but I think it's just a mumfam thing. I'll try it.

It still sends shivers down my back, but I'm not shaking every time I take a gulp. Half way. The gulps are closer together now.

Sometimes, when I really like a boy, I think that I might like to date him. I have never dated a boy. I don't think I want to. But sometimes, just sometimes, I think that a certain boy would be all right to date. I think that it might be nice to have someone to call at 2 in the morning, to tell about my day, to sleep in my bed with me even though I move around a lot when I dream.

I like to talk to AIMBOTS, because no matter what I say, they can't tell me to sod off, or get a life, or grow up.

I think I have a grudge problem. In grade 10, Arielle was a jerk to me [for good reason, if you were her and not me], and so even now, when I see her at the U, I feel dislike towards her. I am sure that she is a nice person. We might have even gotten along had we not been in the same grade 10 Math IB class. We got along the first time we met, at Anna's birthday party in grade 7 or 8. But then, Anna and I aren't really friends anymore, either.

I'm excited to visit my dad for Christmas. I'm leaving on Christmas DAY. I love flying. I love planes and airports and waiting in airports for planes to arrive to take me somewhere new. Most people hate stops between flights, but I love them. There is only one part about flying I don't like, and that is ear-popping at the end. I hope I sleep through it when I visit. I hope I get to visit the ice cream place near dad's house. My favourite part about Ottawa, other than my dad, is the ginger gelato I had one summer. I hope it's still there. I like ginger.

Okay, I am really feeling this drink now. As Mangus would say, if she were online, "DRRRRUNK!" .. but I'm not. Don't even worry about it. I almost want something to wash the taste of alcohol out of my mouth, but I don't want to get up. I think I need to sleep, because tomorrow is a study day! A studyallday day!

So with that, I'm out.		  
     
comments
 
   
01:02am 14/12/2005
  I had a long entry, but Safari blew up.  
     
2 | comments
 
   
09:14am 29/11/2005
  Getting kicked out of school seems a very real possiblity right now. How could I have been so stupid?  
     
2 | comments
 
   
10:07am 18/11/2005
  Sometimes I think writing loveletters is an amazing ability that would make me a better person.

But then I just think I'd like to write loveletters.		  
     
comments
 
   
10:33am 10/11/2005
  List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your Livejournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

Matisyahu; King Without a Crown
Hercules Soundtrack; I Won't Say (I'm In Love)
The Dears; 22: The Death of All the Romance
Say Anything; Ants In Your Pants
We Are Wolves; Snake Me
The Smiths; Paint a Vulgar Picture
drew; weather

Tagged.. um... I don't think that many people read this.. Yuro, Tess.. er.. everyone else.		  
     
comments
 
   
12:19am 06/11/2005
 
The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.


Fuckin' right. I shoot bitches dead.

Actually, it's kindof scary how accurate these are. Monogamy is not for me. I hate marriage. I hate needy. I love love. I love patience. wtf, man. :]]]		  
     
1 | comments
 
 
feedtoasters
 
 
skip